Buckle up, dear readers, because boy does Koji got the SCOOP for you.
So there I was, minding my own business in Margrette's Park, trying to help this blind guy find his way around. Y'know, doing my whole good Sumerian[sic] thing, trying to make the world a better place, yadda yadda yadda.
Anyway, we were talking when all of a sudden the Gates to Hell opened and one hell of a raccoon walked on out and right into a dumpster. Started making all kinds of weird ass noises in there while it, well, ate trash I guess. Let me tell you, readers, whatever that thing was, it has absolutely no future in talk show radio.
Now I'm not gonna sit here and detail to you exactly how I ended up hiding behind a blind man, the guy was easily twice my size and seemed to be ready to beat our rabid dumpster diver with his cane. Dude was like fucking Daredevil, you'd have hid behind him too, okay?
From my brave vantage point behind my impromptu, vision-impaired savior, I watched as something of a crowd started to gather. The People of Myserie, which would be the dopest band name, were coming out to see what all the ruckus was, probably because of the guy that screamed like a girl. Me, that was me.
Now this is when I started my livestream on TikTok that some of you might have caught, just in time to see this - well, to be honest with you guys, I still don't know what to call it, so I'm sticking with demonic trash panda - come out of the dumpster and start slinking into the park like we owed it money. And get this? The blind guy was still preparing to face this thing down!
Anyway, I had to jet out of there after that, important things to do in the woods and all, so I can't deliver you the details of how it ended, but man I sure do hope everyone is okay. Shout out to my blind homie, shout out to Margrette for a dope ass park, and, yeah, stay tuned, Myserie.